beautiful

Lately I’ve been so tired. “Selling” a healthy lifestyle of good nutrition, self love, balance, and healthy movement can be exhausting when you’re up against a world of shakes, pills, body shaming, quick fixes, and the obsession with shrinking, shrinking, shrinking.

I keep finding that the more I figure out my own crap (we’ve all got our own), the more I find that my beliefs don’t jive with the messages that the majority of the world but even the health community is preaching. That is super disappointing, and on some days, makes me want to throw up my hands and quit. Maybe I should just keep quiet, let the world keep telling women that being skinny will make them happy and valued, and just keep my thoughts to myself.

Those thoughts had been in the back of my mind for awhile and I’d been pulling back from my work. I had a gift card to spend at a certain store (starts with A, ends with ritzia, but you didn’t hear it from me) and had an interesting little conversation with one of the employees who was helping me in the dressing room. We were talking about the pants I was trying, and she said with very obvious disdain, “It’s not like YOU will be wearing a crop top.”

Wait, what? Hold up. I was so taken aback that I just gave a nervous laugh and said something like “yeah, of course not”, and then basically dove into my dressing room to hide. I texted my Sister (because what else do you do when someone makes you feel like crap – you text your Person for help), was momentarily comforted by her reaction, and went home.

Over the next couple of weeks, the scene replayed in my mind. Did I misunderstand her? Unfortunately no, I don’t think so. I noticed stupid little thoughts creeping into my mind, thoughts that I’ve worked for years to erase. You don’t deserve to eat that much food. You need to have a six pack . You’ll never get a six pack if you eat carbs. People are going to talk if you gain weight. You can’t wear cute clothes unless you are really, really tiny. No one will listen to you unless you are really tiny. Am I pretty enough? Small enough? Can I still be pretty if I’m not tiny? Shrink, shrink, shrink. Hide, hide, hide.

(Sidenote: even after years of therapy and hard work, stuff happens, people say stupid things, and you can end up taking a few steps backward before you leap forward. The journey doesn’t really end.)

I kept (and keep) doing the work on my self, though, to fight those thoughts. I replaced them with truth statements, over and over and over again. And then, I looked back at the situation differently, and thanked God for the reminder and inspiration to keep going with what I do. To keep using my itty bitty blog and Instagram and sessions with clients to swim against the current and preach true health, in every area of life. To never shut up about the fact that skinny ≠ beautiful ≠ valuable. That beauty and value comes in every single shape and size.

“Because despite every lie we hear from every seller of things on Earth; it is not a woman’s job to get smaller and smaller and take up less and less space until she disappears so the world can be more comfortable.”
-Glennon Melton

I wish I could sit that girl down and explain to her that my value has nothing to do with how I look in a crop top, and neither does hers. I’d love to ask her – where did you learn that it’s okay to talk to another woman like that? To make a judgement call, based on a woman’s size? Does she know that every time she makes a comment like that to another woman, she perpetuates the lies that we’ve been fed our whole lives by TV and magazines? I’d love to tell her that I couldn’t care less what size or shape she is, and that there’s a movement out there fighting against the mainstream media, trying to spread the message that women (and men) are more than just their physical bodies. Somehow that message hasn’t reached her yet, or if it has, it fell on deaf ears, already brainwashed by mainstream media.

I’m not going to go back and find that girl and talk with her about it, but I AM going to use the situation as an inspiration to keep plugging away and keep swimming upstream in the health community. My dream is for my daughter to soar through her teenage and young adult years thinking (knowing!) that she is beautiful by default, without condition. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine the freedom and opportunity she would experience if she didn’t have to sift through all the messed up things we’ve been taught about beauty and size? What if the voice in her head told her that yes, good nutrition is important, but that it’s not absolutely everything? That there’s more? What if it told her that sure, “strong is the new skinny”, but that being strong does not define her? That it doesn’t determine her to be a good person? How much more mind space and energy would she have to put towards good, meaningful, lasting things, if she JUST KNEW these truths, instead of having to rewrite her script and unlearn everything the world has taught her. I know, I dream big? But I want that so badly for her.

So, I’m gonna keep talking about it. Over and over and over again.

No, I’m not talking about THAT F-word.

In our home, we do not say the word fat. Ever. Sound extreme to you? Maybe. But if you’ve ever spent time in that dark place of self-loathing because you can’t seem to starve away every single tiny piece of fat from your body, then you will understand my intense feelings surrounding that word. (Someday I will write in more detail about that dark place, but not yet.)

That’s my sweet daughter Charley in that photo on her first day of preschool. She’s three and a half and as happy as can be. It kills me to know that because I have suffered from an eating disorder, and even though I consider myself healed, she is at a higher risk of developing one in her lifetime. I’ve read the research, and it’s enough to make some very firm rules for our household, to protect her from becoming another statistic. (Even still, if I had never had an eating disorder, the statistics of women developing eating disorders these days are still frightening.)

You may see it as helicopter parenting or keeping my child in a bubble. But have you experienced the hell of an eating disorder? Or the hell of an addiction? The hell of mental illness? If you have, you will understand my desire to build that bubble around her as long as possible. Yes, she will encounter the outside world eventually, but not until our family beliefs and words are imprinted so deeply in her mind and heart that when she comes across the confusing ideas of fat that our society presents, she will be so strong in her beliefs that they will not be shattered by Victoria’s Secret commercials, false advertising, rude comments from men, outrageous diet claims in magazines, etc.

In our home:

We do not use the word fat as an adjective (or at all). Our society focuses on size so much. Why do we always comment on the shape of a person first? Instead of describing someone as fat, large, skinny, chubby, thin or huge, we use other characteristics. “Your Auntie Julia has curly hair, blue eyes, and wears glasses sometimes.” This is a tip that I learned a few years ago in therapy and have made a rule in my life since then, even when I’m not around my kids. The obsession with size in our society needs to end, and this is one tiny place to start.

There are no good foods or bad foods. Food is food. In our home I do my best to not label foods as bad or good, positive or negative, junk or treats. This is especially difficult for me as a Health Coach because I find the nutritional value and science behind food so fascinating. We do discuss that some foods can make us feel sick, slow, or tired and that other foods can give us energy and make us feel good.

Food does not make you bigger or smaller, fatter or skinnier. Yes, if you eat pizza all day, every day, you will get fat. And if all you eat is lettuce all day, every day, you will wither away into nothing. But neither of those are options in Charley’s life right now so she doesn’t need to know that. I never want her to look at ice cream and think it will make her fat.

That scene in Little Miss Sunshine makes me so angry. I want to punch my screen. I remember watching that before I had my own kids and vowing to never let that happen in my family.

We walk everywhere, as often as possible. The walking thing started out not by my choice. Charley was an extremely spirited toddler and absolutely refused to ever sit in the stroller. She was walking confidently soon after her first birthday and at that point we just packed the stroller away into storage and she walked every where from then on. It was annoying at first, but now at age 3.5, she can walk for hours without whining. She loves hiking and running and knows no difference. I absolutely love it. We go for long walks almost every day. We make it a priority so that it is part of her lifestyle now, and not something we have to worry about incorporating later on.

She sees my love for exercise. This one can be tricky and leads right into the next one.

I do not exercise to get smaller or skinnier. My kids see me exercise. I take them for runs, I lift weights while Xavier naps, and they watch myself and other moms workout at our Mommy Workout Group that my friend leads in a park. They know that once a week I wake up early to meet a good friend for a morning workout, and they know that once a week Daddy puts them to bed because I’m at a running clinic. The thing is, my exercise has nothing to do with shrinking. I’m not “working off that ice cream”, “shrinking my love handles”, or trying to achieve the impossible “thigh gap”. My children will NEVER hear those words from me. Instead, I tell them that I’m building muscles so that I can be strong to pick them up, that I’m getting fast so I can run with them and play with them, and so my body has more energy. And those things are true. I’m not exercising to get smaller or reach some goal. I’m exercising so I can keep up with my kids, lift heavy things when I need to, and open my own darn pickle jar.

I do not stare at myself in the mirror. It’s amazing how much little children observe and absorb. I don’t do it anyway (anymore), but I especially do not stand in front of a mirror and critique myself in front of my children. I need a mirror to do my hair and makeup, but I am careful with my facial expressions. No deep sighs of dissatisfaction, no grimaces or squeezing and pinching any extra skin. I don’t have a scale, but if I did, I would not weigh myself in front of my children. So many women I know weigh themselves every single morning. What kind of habit is that to instil in our children?

I am IN our photos. I am in those photos with my kids. I will not stay out of a photo because I don’t think I look my best or because my outfit isn’t especially flattering that day. And I will NEVER say out loud that I don’t like the way I look in a photo. I avoid negative self talk internally and externally as much as humanly possible. With this same mindset, when we are at the beach or at the pool, I will be there in my swimsuit as confidently as possibly. (It has taken me a long time to get there, but my children are a great motivator.) I will be in the water, swimming and playing with my kids, and not caring if my make up runs or my hair gets drenched and stringy. I still don’t love being in a bathing suit in public, but I’m going to fake it until I make it and make sure my children don’t pick up on that.

I compliment Charley on more than just her beauty. Charley is beautiful, and she hears it all the time from family, friends and strangers. And I’m totally okay with that. I tell her she’s beautiful all the time. It won’t take long before our society tries to make her feel ugly, so I’ll tell her as many times as I can until then that she was created perfectly. I don’t think you can tell your children they are beautiful too often, as long as your compliments of their other strengths outweigh the compliments of their appearance. For every time I tell her she’s beautiful, I make sure to magnify two or three other strengths of hers. For example, things like “I love that you are so kind to your brother”, “You are so good at sharing”, “You are so helpful”. I learned this from a very wise friend of mine who is parenting a few years ahead of me and aim to use this tool with all people I come in contact with, not just my own children.

Food is GOOD. So many people have negative issues surrounding any and all food. In my darkest times, I would be kept awake all night from the shame of eating a plain chicken breast. I would imagine all the fat accumulating on my body as I lied in bed and how much bigger I would be in the morning. I know better now. Now I know that food equals life. Food is fuel for my body. Food is energy and strength, and strength is beautiful.

This all my sound crazy to you. I might sound paranoid and maybe I am a little. These rules may evolve as my children mature and can understand nutrition and science more.

But for now, instilling these values in Charley’s mind and heart is one of my biggest passions.

To read a bit about my story and why I’m so passionate about this, click here.

Wellness With Joanna

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On Why We Don’t Use the F Word – And Other Family Rules